tired mind

i am unable to have a proper sleep cycle. i find myself constantly going to bed past midnight. whenever i try to fall asleep earlier, itoss and turn as i attempt to drown out thoughts that appear. my mind keeps generating situations of 'what if?' its driving me mad. thus i counter this by going to bad when im sure my mind is really worn out, and once i hit the sack, i just drift into a less peaceful state of rest. sometimes i do not feel tired enough and here i go again, pick up a book to get that sleepy feeling.then i rise from my slumber round mid day. i wanna take sleeping pills to force myself to revert to a better sleep cycle (if i ever did in the first place) im getting sick of doing nothing each day too. i kinda miss the schedules that shape each day of my life. my body and mind is used to waking up getting dressed for sch going through lessons at this time of the year. hmm, weird.. that makes me sound like i miss sch. maybe.i know i miss playing in band. playing on the alto. im too used to that routine. i may be lazy and have some sort of happy go lucky attitude, but i don't think i would go that far. i feel absoulutely like a slob. the pc games are addictive and do help kill of time. but thanks to my parents upbringing, i do not feel that much of a-dick-tive towards these form of escape from the present. id rather play them than do nothing. i can go out too. but then most of the ppl i know are in school.. or working.. Ahh- i could have found a job. yeah, but due to a chain of events which so far made me feel the BIGGEST loser of this whole affair, im relying on parents for the spare cash to spend. recently i revived my bike. brought it out for a spin. i welcome the exercise, my body seem to have forgotten the physical pleasures excessive movements that causes all that sweat to make clothings sling to skin, the odour that comes soon after, relief of accomplishment, and hammering of a fistsized muscle-balloon against ribs. as though one is blindly hitting a xylophone. i want to play the guitar but i know i am limitedly skilled. singing songs alone make me feel as though im deranged. choir is good. though somewhat i get this feeling, umcomfortable. theres also 'that' feeling.. wont mention it at all. -pass- hmm... ive been on facebook so often that its getting irritating. esp with lots of the status reminding more of 'what if?' i used to play on the xbox while it was still around. now its the laptop. reading is better but its hard to find stuff that will hold ur interest in the library. and to buy 'emat popular? why yes, $$$$$. im getting lazy that i can even change my mind easily when i told myself and friends we're going out on this day. pang seh ah? then i'd feel guilty and haul my lazy arse outta the door. sorry melv. now im sitting thinkung that i wanna go back to stgabs and check out the band's syf preparations.. but my lazyness is clouding the confirm button in my head. wahh.. somehow i think lots of this is caused by me still being a lil upset. i was hoping i could get into CJC. though the subject combo may suck and all, i know i can do pretty well. i keep telling myself screw that, but theres still that bitter taste in my mouth, no matter how many glasses of water i drain. gotta find something stronger then.. not wanting to stop typing on a flat key. i cant wait to start school i guess. aeronautical engineering seems preety cool. its the only thing that really sparked my interest aside the whole darn list of poly courses. and i got it at SP. that aint too bad.. its still about a month plus. thats a lot of time. no fun doing nuting and go waste it.

hmm.

bullcrap

when things don't go the way you wish it would. some say there's a reason behind it, that its part of a plan.

doesnt help numb the bittersweet disappointment that swelled up deep within. fuck that.

Unopened Letter To The World

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the memo as well as the person you got the memo from.
P/S. NO CHEATING!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne
~ haaha

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
My Paper Heart - The All-American Rejects
~ huh

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Check Yes Juliet - We The Kings
-.- whut?

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Whoa - Paramore
~WOAH

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Decoy - Paramore
~ huh...

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The Quiet - We The kings
~ yeah.. i guess

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
The Dance Of Eternity - Dream Theatre
~ naw..

WHAT IS 2+2?
Gavorkna Fanfare - symphonic band music
~ HAHA

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
My Happy Ending -Avril Lavigne
~ thats cant be good....

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Five minutes to midnight - Boys Like girls
~ err

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Always Be My Baby - David Cook
~ ....

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects
~ HUH!!!

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Into The Night - Santana feat. Chad Kroeger
~ not a bad option?

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Your Call - Secondhand Serenade
~ whut?

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Life Is Easy - Urbandub
~ err. i dun think it is, otherwise.....

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Another Day - Dream Theatre
~ live to see another day.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Perfect World - Simple Plan
~ ....

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
The Great Escape - Boys like Girls
~ yeah, to go through each day's obstacles while having a great time

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Hold On - Jonas Brothers
~ dunno.. be gay? oh no..

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
(un)FOUND - Trinity Church soundtrack
~ the lyrics are pretty meaningful

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
The Bright Side - Dave Koz (saxophonist)
~ hahaha...

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
There Is - Boxcar Racer
~ hmm

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Hero - Nickelback
~thats not so bad..

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Love is on the way - Dave Koz (saxophonist)
~WOAH! haha..

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Pressure - Paramore
~ aww..

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Stop this Song (lovesick melody) - Paramore
~ i wonder... haha

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Fatal Tragedy - Dream Theatre
~ yeah, esp if its someone i know, cared for..

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Face Down - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
~ erm....

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, WHEN YOU MEET YOUR BOSS?
Unwell - Matchbox 20
~ HAHA, I WANNA TAKE ONE MONTH LEAVE PLEASE, THANKS

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Unopened Letter To The World - The Ataris

cross my fingers.

its the start of school for those posted to their respective junior colleges. i was posted to aeronautical engineering in Singapore Poly. no complaints, it was my first choice cuz i couldnt put any JCs in my 12 choices..

back then i thought it would require a miracle for me to somehow continue my education in a JC due to me getting a -9 for my french. and yes i was right, the miracle was a group of people.. my friends have somehow helped me see some faint glowing hope. now ive done what i could. at least i wont regret not taking any sort of action. now i juz have to wait. and pray too.