tired mind

i am unable to have a proper sleep cycle. i find myself constantly going to bed past midnight. whenever i try to fall asleep earlier, itoss and turn as i attempt to drown out thoughts that appear. my mind keeps generating situations of 'what if?' its driving me mad. thus i counter this by going to bad when im sure my mind is really worn out, and once i hit the sack, i just drift into a less peaceful state of rest. sometimes i do not feel tired enough and here i go again, pick up a book to get that sleepy feeling.then i rise from my slumber round mid day. i wanna take sleeping pills to force myself to revert to a better sleep cycle (if i ever did in the first place) im getting sick of doing nothing each day too. i kinda miss the schedules that shape each day of my life. my body and mind is used to waking up getting dressed for sch going through lessons at this time of the year. hmm, weird.. that makes me sound like i miss sch. maybe.i know i miss playing in band. playing on the alto. im too used to that routine. i may be lazy and have some sort of happy go lucky attitude, but i don't think i would go that far. i feel absoulutely like a slob. the pc games are addictive and do help kill of time. but thanks to my parents upbringing, i do not feel that much of a-dick-tive towards these form of escape from the present. id rather play them than do nothing. i can go out too. but then most of the ppl i know are in school.. or working.. Ahh- i could have found a job. yeah, but due to a chain of events which so far made me feel the BIGGEST loser of this whole affair, im relying on parents for the spare cash to spend. recently i revived my bike. brought it out for a spin. i welcome the exercise, my body seem to have forgotten the physical pleasures excessive movements that causes all that sweat to make clothings sling to skin, the odour that comes soon after, relief of accomplishment, and hammering of a fistsized muscle-balloon against ribs. as though one is blindly hitting a xylophone. i want to play the guitar but i know i am limitedly skilled. singing songs alone make me feel as though im deranged. choir is good. though somewhat i get this feeling, umcomfortable. theres also 'that' feeling.. wont mention it at all. -pass- hmm... ive been on facebook so often that its getting irritating. esp with lots of the status reminding more of 'what if?' i used to play on the xbox while it was still around. now its the laptop. reading is better but its hard to find stuff that will hold ur interest in the library. and to buy 'emat popular? why yes, $$$$$. im getting lazy that i can even change my mind easily when i told myself and friends we're going out on this day. pang seh ah? then i'd feel guilty and haul my lazy arse outta the door. sorry melv. now im sitting thinkung that i wanna go back to stgabs and check out the band's syf preparations.. but my lazyness is clouding the confirm button in my head. wahh.. somehow i think lots of this is caused by me still being a lil upset. i was hoping i could get into CJC. though the subject combo may suck and all, i know i can do pretty well. i keep telling myself screw that, but theres still that bitter taste in my mouth, no matter how many glasses of water i drain. gotta find something stronger then.. not wanting to stop typing on a flat key. i cant wait to start school i guess. aeronautical engineering seems preety cool. its the only thing that really sparked my interest aside the whole darn list of poly courses. and i got it at SP. that aint too bad.. its still about a month plus. thats a lot of time. no fun doing nuting and go waste it.

hmm.